Noah

So Russell Crowe is portraying a historical figure who, at one point in this film, wields a knife and marches menacingly towards a young girl holding a new born child with the intention of a bit of baby killing. The character in question? Genghis Khan, perhaps? No, it’s Noah. You may have already guessed that Darren Aronofsky’s latest film isn’t quite as a straight forward telling of one of the Bibles signature moments as you might expect. Having said that, the tale of Noah needs some fleshing out if you’re going to make it into a full length feature film (the actual story itself takes up a surprisingly small amount of space within the Bible and omits such details as Noah’s wife’s name), though you can’t help but chuckle that Paramount were having to put disclaimers in cinemas stating that “artistic license has been taken”. License or not, this is a pretty awful film. Christian groups may have welcomed the film and it’s message, but that’s a different factor than the actual quality on show for a paying audience. In effect this is Aronofsky’s interpretation of Noah and he can't be faulted in some areas. The look of the ark is surprisingly unconventional compared to it's usual standard depictions and you can't deny that Aronofsky and Crowe make their assessment of Noah, as a bloody-minded stubborn man who will let nothing get in his way of worship and the job he believes he must do, extremely convincing. The rest is complete gubbins though, highlighted by "The Watchers". Ah yes, The Watchers. They are explained away as "fallen angels" and in the film they are represented as gigantic stone golems who help build the ark and, in scenes where you may suspect Michael Bay has made a guest appearance, protect (and kill) anyone trying to rush the ark. They are utterly ludicrous and it's hardly surprising that they were not shown at all in the trailer. The fact that Aronofsky and Paramount argued over the final cut tells you all you need to know really, though I bet the suits were wishing they could have cut all of Emma Watson's scenes. She is dire and whenever she appears on screen you want one of the (very unconvincing) CGI animals to gobble her up as a snack. What could have been a biblical epic is just cinematic incomprehensible rubbish. The novelist Fay Weldon was once asked why she kept writing books. She replied: “To make amends for the last one.” Better start your new project soon, Darren. Rating: 4/10.